But I Really Don't Hate Christmas
by Secret Agent G
Summary: Doof has never hated Christmas- actually, he has an intense, burning indifference. But the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future just don't seem to get it! A PnF parody of A Christmas Carol written for the holidays.


**Author's note: **OHMYGOSHTHISONEISSOLATE TAT  
>But at the same time, OHMYGOSHTHISONEWASSOFUN :D<br>*ahem* Sorry. I just like putting things in big long sentences recently. Nonetheless, on this, the tenth day of Perry-Ness, I present to you; a Phineas and Ferb parody of A Christmas Carol! :D Now, I know it's been done before, but my version is a little different, so I hope it's cool with everybody else.

EDIT: Oh, man. Would you believe that when I first published this, I accidentally spelled 'Christmas', of all things, wrong? Epic fail! XD But it's fixed now, so I don't feel so foolish anymore.

Cast:  
>Doof as Scrooge (of course)<br>Rodney as Marley (or Marley as Rodney, perhaps?)  
>Isabella as the Ghost of Christmas Past<br>Phineas as the Ghost of Christmas Present  
>Ferb as the Ghost of Christmas Future<br>And Norm as Tiny Tim, sort of. XD

Anyway, I'm done here. Enjoy the story! :D

* * *

><p>The Un-Decorator-Inator was dead, to begin with.<p>

There is no doubt whatever about that. Vanessa knew it as soon as she saw its shattered remains; Norm knew it when he accidentally stepped on a few ripped wires; and Perry knew it when he heard a very loud explosion from behind his fleeing hovercraft, along with his nemesis' trademark phrase,

"CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"

To put it simply, the Un-Decorator-Inator was as dead as a doornail. Now, I'm sure Doctor D could go off on a very long tangent about doornails and how they really aren't dead at all (especially considering they were never alive), but for the moment I shall spare you. There will probably be a good many tangents in this tale nonetheless, and I will not force you to suffer prematurely. Quite frankly, the Inator was demolished. Destroyed. _Toast._

Doofenshmirtz knew this? Of course he knew. He knew his plans to un-decorate everybody's houses (making his seem more decorated by comparison) were thwarted the moment Perry's little webbed foot came into harsh contact with the self-destruct button. He also knew he'd probably be cleaning up after it, and that sounded like an awful lot of work- especially on Christmas Eve. And so, rather than clear away the devastated device, that night found him instead returning to the stores to get one last gift (a booby-trapped present for Perry), which he returned home with fairly quickly. Box-turned-bomb in hand, he traipsed out of the elevator onto the fortieth floor, headed back to the familiar door marked _'Doofenshmirtz'_.

As he approached the door, Doofenshmirtz fished for his keys briefly, delving into the deep reaches of his pockets to find the small metal implements. At last, after a good deal of searching and grumbling, he found them tucked under a wadded-up tissue and lifted them to the door. However, as he did so, he noticed something very strange. Something that made him freeze, stare with wide eyes, and completely forget about the keys, which jangled to the rough olive carpet below. It was just so strange…

"I could have sworn I had a doorbell," he muttered to himself, terrified. For there before him was a _doorknocker- _a completely ordinary doorknocker, of course, but a doorknocker nonetheless. This was particularly significant because there had never been one there before, and I'm sure you have never had something appear out of nowhere without being at least a little surprised.

With a startled agility, he looked to the right of the door, and there was the usual doorbell- yet, when he looked back, the doorknocker was gone. For a moment, he did nothing more than stare at the blank door, thoroughly spooked. He supposed it could have been his imagination; but for what possible reason could he suddenly envision a doorknocker on his usually knocker-less door?

At last, he decided that it _had _to have been his imagination (for what else could it be?), and he retrieved the keys and went inside.

* * *

><p>The rest of the evening was spent scheming about how exactly to give Perry his trap-gift (along with a musical number to go with it), and pondering over its likelihood of succeeding. Of course, knowing Perry, the chances of it actually detonating as planned were slim; and even if it did, the crafty agent would probably find some way to get around the blast. Nonetheless, he figured it was the thought that counted, whether it worked or not.<p>

Eventually, the clock struck nine, and Doofenshmirtz was still up. He had found a few minor errors in some blueprints that he was poring over, and the more he tried to fix them, the more errors seemed to appear. I'm sure you know the feeling- like when you erase a little mistake, then find far too many more, or when you think you've gotten the last wrinkle out of your bedspread, but the simple act of removing that wrinkle creates a thousand new ones. Or, at least, that was how it felt to Doofenshmirtz.

As he scrutinized the dark blue paper, other noises in the house seemed to become obsolete. He didn't notice when Norm accidentally knocked something over, making a huge crash; he didn't notice when a tiny part of the still-destroyed Un-Decorator-Inator spontaneously combusted. And in particular, he didn't notice when suddenly, the doorbell rang.

At least, he didn't notice at first. For a moment, he merely sat at the table, endeavoring to erase a particular equation that didn't make any sense- and then, out of the blue, the bell rang again.

This time, Doofenshmirtz looked up. He raised an eyebrow questioningly, then called out, "Norm! Are you trying to freak me out?"

He waited a few moments, but no reply came. The only conclusion was that Norm had gone to sleep already (or at least, laid down in bed and resolved not to move or speak until morning), and it wasn't him ringing the bell. That meant someone was at the door- but it seemed an awfully late hour for someone to come calling at his house.

"Great, It's probably Perry the Platypus," he grumbled moodily, beginning to get up. "I bet he's back to make sure he destroyed my Inator adequately. It's already practically disintegrated, what more could he want?"

However, he had hardly left his seat when suddenly, the doorbell rang out again- and again, and again, raising in volume and intensity all the time, until it was going faster than you ever would have considered possible. Doofenshmirtz, quite stunned, simply stared fixedly in the direction of the front door, remaining perfectly still until the ringing ceased abruptly. But the house was not quiet for long; the jingling of the doorbell was soon replaced by something much more chilling, emanating from deep within the building…

The dragging of _chains._

Doofenshmirtz felt as if he was locked in a nightmare, unable to move or think, and still not quite sure of what he was hearing. The sound got louder and louder, growing closer and closer with every passing second, until it emanated from the hall _directly outside his room._

Not quite knowing what to say, he mustered a scowl and tried to shout, "Th-that's not funny, Perry the Platypus! Cut it out!"

Then, with a terrible sense of dread, it came right through the front door, not even bothering to knock, and floated into the lair as if it owned the place. Chains dragged behind it and were looped around its ghostly form, each hung with various small ray guns and self destruct buttons, and if you looked hard enough, you could see right through it. Its eyes were blank and stared straight forward, not seeming to focus on anything in particular, and its garments fluttered about it as if some unfelt wind disturbed its form.

Doofenshmirtz's breath caught in his throat, and he simply stared at the horrible specter- horrible, I say, but not because it was a ghost. Just because it was someone he knew, and wasn't particularly happy to see.

At last, he seemed to recover his wits, and arched an eyebrow in confusion. "Rodney? What are you doing in my house?"

For there, in all his bald and wrinkly glory, was a spectral form of Doofenshmirtz's greatest rival in his profession; Aloyse Everheart Elizabeth Otto Wolfgang Hypatia Gunther Galen Gary Cooper von Roddenstein (otherwise known as Rodney).

The ghost looked somewhat exasperated. "No, no, I'm Marley," he corrected, in the same whining tone that the bald headed scientist always used.

Doofenshmirtz cocked his head in confusion. "Who?"

"I'm here to warn you about something," the ghost continued, ignoring him. However, Doofenshmirtz interrupted.

"Wait, seriously, who's Marley?" he asked in a bewildered tone.

"I already told you, that's me," the ghost responded, sounding quite irritated.

Doofenshmirtz crossed his arms stubbornly. "Well, then, why do you look like Rodney?" he demanded.

The ghost rolled its unfocused eyes and replied, "So I won't freak you out, obviously."

"But Rodney _does _freak me out," Doofenshmirtz pointed out, unyielding as ever. "He's all wrinkly and weird. I mean, _dude, _have you looked in a mirror recently?"

The ghost let out a very stressed sigh that echoed around the usually echo-less room. "Look, if you want, I can turn into something else…"

"That doesn't even make any sense!" Doofenshmirtz protested. "I mean, seriously, this whole thing doesn't make any sense. Ghosts aren't supposed to be real, and if they were, who says they could turn into other stuff? And who thought it was a good idea to come as Rodney, anyway? You do know I hate that guy, right-?"

But just then, with a rather annoyed face, the ghost suddenly let out a terrible cry that shook the very foundations of the building, resonating throughout the room to make it a thousand times more terrible. Doofenshmirtz covered his ears and shut his eyes in the vain hope that it would help, but the sound came on strong even through his makeshift barriers. It lasted but a few excruciating moments, and when it ceased, Doofenshmirtz opened one eye to check if the coast was clear.

"Um," he squeaked in a very meek, quiet voice, "N-never mind."

The ghost crossed its arms in cold satisfaction. "Good. Now listen up and don't interrupt, or a horrible fate will befall you."

Doofenshmirtz nodded faintly, staring at the floor with a suddenly timid expression.

The ghost, apparently satisfied, began to speak once more. "You see, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, you are one of many on this earth who, to put it simply- is kind of a jerk."

"That's kind of the point when you're evil," Doofenshmirtz muttered. Thankfully, the ghost carried on without seeming to notice.

"So, I am here today to warn you of a terrible fate that awaits you at the end of life. I have suffered this very fate- and now, I am chained and doomed to wander the earth forever, never resting, never stopping. You will fare no differently if you continue on your wicked path."

Doofenshmirtz eyed the chains distastefully, a little unnerved. "No kidding…"

"No kidding indeed," the ghost agreed remorsefully, looking quite distraught. "Oh, it's just torturous! I won't even go into detail." And with a heavy sigh, it fell silent for a moment, head hung low. Doofenshmirtz just frowned.

"So basically," he concluded, "if I keep doing evil things like I'm doing now, I'm toast."

"Oh, yes," the spirit confirmed sadly. "All that and more…but you still have a chance to change, a last hope to save you."

Doofenshmirtz narrowed his eyes, in an almost pouty manner. "What if I _like _evil? What if I don't want to change?"

The ghost's answer was simple. "Too bad." It then cleared its throat and announced, "You will be haunted by three spirits this night. Without their visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path I tread. But alas! My time here grows short…" And it began to drift away, headed for the window at the far end of the room. Doofenshmirtz, rather alarmed, dashed after it with a frantic gait.

"W-wait! I don't want to get haunted!" he cried out, as the ghost reached the windowpane. "What ghosts do you mean? Hey, don't just leave without explaining anything! That's so rude!"

The ghost ignored him and floated right out, calling out to him, "Expect the first ghost when the bell tolls one!"

Doofenshmirtz, having reached the window by now, shouted a final, "WAIT!" and flung the window open, only to be greeted by even _more _spirits. Each was floating here and there throughout downtown Danville, all moaning in a wretched chorus and wringing their hands. Doofenshmirtz gasped slightly, eyes darting from one specter to the next in a flustered panic. Just then, a giant, floating baby head drifted past the window, cooing softly, and he shrieked in alarm. Neglecting to close the window in his haste, the doctor fled the room in terror, screaming the whole way, and at last reached his bedroom.

The door slammed behind him and he stopped just inside, whirling around to catch his breath. The door remained closed, and no spectral hand (or giant baby head) disturbed it, but Doofenshmirtz's mind was not put to rest so easily. Quite unnerved from the whole experience (the giant floating baby head was disturbing enough on its own) and feeling exhausted from the events of the day, he collapsed on the bed, shoes and all, and soon fell asleep. There was only one thing that troubled him;

He had forgotten to curse the ghost.

* * *

><p>Hours passed, and the night wore on steadily. Doofenshmirtz, who had gone out like a light, continued to sleep quite peacefully, enjoying a dreamless slumber. He had all but forgotten about the ghosts that Rodney (or Marley, or whoever he was) had told him about, and he didn't even stir when the clock in the living room announced the time.<p>

_Ding, dong!_

A quarter past twelve.

_Ding, dong!_

Half past…

_Ding, dong!_

Only a mere fifteen minutes left!

_Ding, dong!_

And at last, the hour itself dawned! Suddenly, light flooded the room, breaking through the curtains as with a fresh burst of wind. It was so brightly, beautifully blinding, that you might either stare at it in rapture or be blinded instantly.

Doofenshmirtz didn't even notice, nor would he have cared very much.

"Five more minutes, Mom," he mumbled, turning over to avoid the light. However, it merely switched to the other side of the bed.

"Whatcha doin'?" a young, female voice inquired cheerfully.

At this, Doofenshmirtz opened one eye just a slit to see who his visitor was. To his surprise, it was a young girl- she couldn't be more than twelve- floating a foot or so off the ground right next to his bed. Her long, black hair was flowing loose behind her, and from her head there came a clear shaft of light (oddly taking the shape of a bow). She wore a simple white dress that flowed gently around her bare feet, decorated with pink flowers- and complementing that, she wore a sweet smile.

"Uh," Doofenshmirtz said in a half-awake voice, "at the moment, I'm just trying to sleep…so, who are you again?"

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past," the girl answered. "That is, _your _past."

"And you're here to haunt me, right?" Doofenshmirtz asked glumly, as if he wasn't looking forward to it.

"Oh, no! Don't think of it that way," she answered, seeming quite honest. "I'm here to help you! Come on, follow me!" And with an innocent smile, she floated off towards the window, stopping at its ledge to wait for him.

Doofenshmirtz didn't follow at first, still being only half awake. But after a good deal of grumbling about how he really didn't want to follow some ghost girl to who knew where at one o' clock in the morning, he finally got up and slouched over to the window.

"Take my hand," the girl told him, offering it to him invitingly. Doofenshmirtz glanced at the window suspiciously, not particularly keen on doing so.

"How come? We're not going out _there, _are we?" he asked, being rather loath to go out in such cold weather.

The girl looked a bit uncomfortable as she replied, "Um…no, of course not."

Doofenshmirtz was silent for a moment as he thought about that. At last, with a quick shrug, he conceded and took her hand, which was surprisingly tangible. "Fine, just don't get any ectoplasm on me or anything-!"

But before his sentence was over, the spirit suddenly tugged him right through the wall and into the night, pulling him through the sky at an incredible speed. Doofenshmirtz shrieked loudly as he saw the buildings fly by below him, his own far away within half a minute. His hair was sticking out straight behind him in the wind, and his lab coat flapped wildly. If he had been at all drowsy before, he was anything but now.

"You lied!" he yelled up to the ghost, quite offended.

"Sorry!" she called back apologetically.

How long they traveled like this, I don't know (I mean, I'm just the narrator). But eventually, in a rather short time, the land below them began to look familiar to Doofenshmirtz, and the spirit's face soon brightened in excitement.

"Oh, look! We're here!" she exclaimed, and gently, ever so gently, they began to descend. As they did so, Doofenshmirtz suddenly began to notice and recognize all the many different features of the land- the perpetually muddy, gray-brown earth, the straw-roofed cottages with their gangly brick chimneys, the gray sky above (and that unpleasantly distinctive smell- a mix of Doonkleberries and a particularly nasty kind of mud). Yes, without a doubt, this was Gimmelschtump, his childhood home. Or, more correctly, childhood place-of-residence; it had never really felt like a true home should.

"Oh, hey!" Doofenshmirtz piped up, looking around excitedly. "We're in Gimmelschtump, aren't we? Cool!" Then he paused and queried, "How'd we get here so fast?"

The spirit ignored the question and asked another. "So this place is familiar to you?"

"Familiar! You're kidding," Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. "I know every little nook and cranny of this town- especially since I had to hide in a lot of them now and then. That's Kenny's house over there- and that's my old school!- and if you walk down that path through the woods, you'll reach this great patch of Doonkleberries. That is, assuming you survive the woods."

As he spoke, he and the spirit strolled casually through the town, observing the various landmarks that he pointed out. As they walked, a few small boys ran past, laughing wildly, and Doofenshmirtz tried to wave to them. But they neither waved back nor even paid him a glance, and they kept running undisturbed.

"Well, that was kind of rude," he complained, crossing his arms as they darted off between a few houses.

"Don't be ireful," the spirit advised. "These are but shadows of the past. These peasants can neither see nor hear us."

Doofenshmirtz blinked. "Oh. Well, you can't argue with archaic language." Just then, he noticed another building and gasped. "That's my house!" And he took off towards it, running down the familiar dirt path and soon reaching the castle-like structure.

"Ohh, no way," he said, stopping in his tracks with a stunned expression.

"You know this boy, too?" the spirit asked, reaching his side.

"Well, yeah!" Doofenshmirtz said emphatically. "I mean, how many kids do you see standing around in a _lawn gnome costume?_"

For there before them, looking quite upset and entirely alone, was a small boy in a lawn gnome costume, sighing to himself as he stood watch over his family's garden. After a moment, he sneezed suddenly in as concealed a manner as he could- and in response, someone shouted very loudly in German, "BEWEGE DICH NICHT!"

Upon hearing this, Doofenshmirtz gained a rather crestfallen frown.

"That means 'don't move'," he translated in a sulky mutter. "Yeah, I'm starting to remember why I wanted to get out of here so bad."

"Why don't we visit another Christmas here?" the spirit proposed, and with a wave of its hand the scene changed instantly. Suddenly, they were looking at the house late at night, with snow falling gently from the sky and light pouring out of the windows.

Doofenshmirtz peered inside and saw his father, in his peculiar antlered hat, his mother, with her usual white apron, and Roger, his hair perfectly combed and his self-satisfied smile firmly in place. The only missing one was Heinz.

"Hmm, I think I remember this Christmas," Doofenshmirtz murmured to himself. "It was the one when I decided to get my mother a sprig of holly for a present. That didn't go well…"

Just then, from a little ways away, there came a sudden high-pitched yelp. Doofenshmirtz looked up in alarm and saw a very tall holly bush, growing just a little ways away from the house. Beside it and partially resting against the sharp leaves was a wooden ladder, and just visible under a thick covering of leaves was a young boy, perhaps only twelve, climbing the ladder. At the moment, he was entangled in a particularly thorny bunch of branches, and it seemed he had to go through it to continue climbing the ladder.

Doofenshmirtz winced, as if recalling the sharp pain the leaves inflicted. "Yeah, that hurt for a _long _time…oh, look, he's gotten out of it!"

But even as he said it, a hawk suddenly flew out of the tree, screaming wildly with a hoarse anger, and began to peck at the younger Doofenshmirtz. He shrieked again and attempted to fend off the bird with one hand, the other clutching the ladder for dear life. The ladder shook dangerously as the bird swooped in and out, and Doofenshmirtz covered his eyes.

"I almost forgot about the Drueselsteinien Doom Hawks," Doofenshmirtz commented, peeking timidly through his fingers. "Those things were _deadly- _but they did leave after a while if they didn't kill something instantly. Look, there it goes…"

As he said this, the hawk seemed to give up and flew away, leaving Heinz with a few more scratches to add to the others. He sighed heavily, still very determined, and continued climbing the ladder. At last, he reached the top of the tree, eyeing a single sprig of holly on top. It really was a beautiful sprig- although it was a little far off.

"I wanted that perfect piece to give to mother," Doofenshmirtz recalled thoughtfully, as his younger self strained to reach for the holly. "But unfortunately, even after I got it, my pain didn't end there…"

Just as he said this, his younger self grasped the holly. With a triumphant grin, he raised a pair of gardening shears and snipped it off neatly. But unfortunately, this caused him to lose his balance, and he tumbled off of the ladder and through the tree, crashing into branch after branch of thorny leaves. Doofenshmirtz flinched several times, until finally, the boy reached the bottom of the tree and fell to the ground in a heap, landing in a sitting position. The shears promptly fell out of the tree behind him and hit him on the head, and he flopped over onto his back.

"Wait for it," Doofenshmirtz groaned, unable to look anymore.

And finally, to end the whole mess, the ladder fell over and squashed his foot.

Doofenshmirtz sighed heavily, quite despondent now. "All that, and she only used it for firewood when I finally dragged myself inside." Then he turned to the spirit with a scowl, asking, "Why are we here again?"

A sweat drop slid down the girl's face as she thought to herself, _It's not working…_

"Um, look," she said uncomfortably, as a small moan rose from beneath the holly tree. "I think we're done here, so I'm going to leave things to the next ghost, okay?"

"Well, I guess," said Doofenshmirtz awkwardly, "but what was I supposed to learn from-?"

But before he could finish his question, the ghost snapped its fingers, and he was suddenly back in his bedroom.

He blinked, rather stunned. "What a back story I'll have to tell tomorrow…"

* * *

><p>A short while later found Doofenshmirtz snoring peacefully again, trying to get enough sleep in what was clearly going to be a very restless night. Unfortunately, he wasn't having much luck- after the unpleasant trip back to Gimmelschtump, his dreams were all haunted by Drueselsteinien Doom Hawks and evil lawn gnomes.<p>

Then, in the middle of a particularly terrifying nightmare, the bell suddenly rang out again, startling him out of his sleep.

"Coming, mother…" he mumbled, just dimly aware of what was going on. When he looked up, the bell was announcing the stroke of two, and he suddenly remembered the night's events.

"What'll it be now, the Ghost of Let's-All-Torture-Doof?" he grumbled, as the bell rang out a final time. However, the answer was far, far from it.

Suddenly, a light came from outside the door, and laughter and music could be heard emanating from the lair. Doofenshmirtz froze, staring at the slit of light that came from under the door and wondering what was making it. After a good thirty seconds, he decided that whatever it was, it probably wouldn't do him any harm, and he got out of bed cautiously to look for its source.

He only had to open the door to see; lanterns were suddenly strung around the walls of the lair, each lit with a beautifully warm candle, and the whole place was decorated with holly and tinsel. On the floor, a great deal of presents were loaded around the usually sparsely-gifted tree, and a long, rectangular table was unexplainably situated in the center of the room. On this table there was piled a huge feast; any kind of vegetable you could have thought of and desired, a thousand more dishes that looked delicious, even if you had never heard of them, and a decadent array of desserts to complete it. And, sitting at the head of this table and looking quite jolly, was a young boy.

"Come in!" he called genially, gesturing for Doofenshmirtz to do just that. "Come in, and know me better, mister!"

Doofenshmirtz hesitated before doing so, eyeing the feast unwillingly. "Well, I don't know…I'm on a diet, you know…" Then his eyes lit up as he caught sight of a particular item, and he exclaimed, "Oh! You have cupcakes! Well, never mind then."

And he came in just the same. The boy just laughed a bit more, clearly amused.

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Present," he announced happily. "Look upon me!"

Tearing his eyes away from the cupcakes for a moment, Doofenshmirtz did just that. The first thing he noticed was that the boy was incredibly short, even for a young person. But his head was rather large and triangular, and his eyes were dark blue and merry. He wore a long robe of dark green that seemed just a little too big, trimmed with holly (Doofenshmirtz was really beginning to dislike that plant) and trailing around his bare feet. On his head was another wreath of holly, which surprisingly didn't seem to bother him at all. His bright red hair peeked out from underneath it, rather messy and sprout-like.

Doofenshmirtz was silent for a moment as he observed all this. Then, with a rather skeptical eye, he arched an eyebrow and pointed out, "Hey, I thought you were supposed to be a giant."

The boy shrugged. "Well, I'm half an inch taller than I was last week. Isn't that enough?"

After a moment's pause, Doofenshmirtz seemed to brush it off. "Okay, whatever," he conceded, taking a cupcake. "So if you want to show me something, can we just go ahead and get it over with? I'm going to be seriously sleep-deprived in the morning."

"Oh, sure," the boy agreed immediately. Then he offered his hand, the slightly too long sleeve hiding it from view. "Touch my robe!"

Doofenshmirtz hesitated, sighed, and crossed all the way to the other end of the table to do this, taking the cupcake with him. "I always have to touch stuff…"

"I know, it's kind of weird," the spirit agreed heartily. Then from a pocket in the robe, he withdrew a small remote and pushed a button on it. Instantly, the feast, the table, the presents and decorations, and even the room all vanished- along with Doofenshmirtz's cupcake, which he had been about to take a bite out of.

"Really?" He protested, wearing a scowl. The spirit only shrugged apologetically.

Then he looked up, noticing that the location had changed- but not by much. They were still at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, but it was daytime, and they were in a different room. Sitting on the couch with her headphones on was Vanessa, looking as bored and sulky as ever.

"Oh, it's Vanessa," Doofenshmirtz piped happily. "Hi, sweetie- oh, right, she can't hear me." He waved cheerfully nevertheless. "Hi anyway!"

"Whatever," Vanessa muttered to herself, almost as if she had heard him. This made the spirit giggle slightly, although he tried to contain it. At last, he cleared his throat.

"So, let's go see what she's up to," he suggested, and the two of them crept to the back of the couch to peer over at Vanessa's phone, which she was tapping at with a rhythmical pattern.

_Im so bord, _her text message read. _Stk my Dad's, nthing 2 do._

Doofenshmirtz knit his brow in a rather upset manner, slightly hurt. The ghost looked on with wide eyes, seeming amazed that anyone could act in such a way.

"You know," he commented thoughtfully, "boredom is something up with which I will not put- usually, anyway."

Doofenshmirtz sighed. "I wish Vanessa was like that. She just likes to sit around with her headphones on all day, and I don't know what to do with her."

"Maybe you could build something awesome together!" the spirit suggested.

"Nah, she's not into that kind of stuff," Doofenshmirtz replied downheartedly. "Especially it it's evil, and that's all I ever do. I'm trying to get her interested in it, but it's not going very well…"

"Well, maybe she has other interests," the ghost continued in a pensive tone. "You have to have _something _else in common."

Doofenshmirtz gave that a bit of thought. "Well…we both like to complain about stuff."

The ghost frowned. "I guess you could get together and commiserate over all the stuff that you like to complain about…but it doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun."

"Yeah," Doofenshmirtz agreed. "Besides, I always get it all out when my nemesis comes over. He's a good listener."

For a moment more, they both stood behind the sofa, observing Vanessa's ongoing text between her and her boyfriend. At last, the ghost stood, saying, "Let's go see what other people are doing!"

And he led Doofenshmirtz out of the living room and into the kitchen, where Norm was holding a frying pan and several eggs.

"Yummy, yummy scrambled eggs!" he said happily in his monotone voice.

"Oh, no, I've seen him do this before!" Doofenshmirtz yelped in a panicked tone. "No, no, no, Norm, don't dump the shells in with the-! OH! Oh, there they go. Right in with the rest of it, that's just great. What kind of a Christmas dinner is _scrambled eggs, _anyway?" Then, with a confused and somewhat exasperated frown, he turned to the ghost and said, "And _what _am I supposed to be learning from this?"

Beside him, the ghost looked uncertain for once. _It's still not working_… he thought worriedly.

At length, the spirit sighed heavily. "Well, I hate to say it, but my time here is almost up."

"What?" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. "You mean you only get to live for one lousy day?"

"Oh, no," the ghost assured him, waving its hands to emphasize its point. "It's almost dinnertime, you see- and Mom's making lasagna!" And he rubbed his hands together excitedly.

Doofenshmirtz paused, still looking a little confused. "Well, I guess that makes sense. But seriously, I'm just totally lost about this whole thing- what are you supposed to be teaching me? Is there something that just isn't getting through, or are we just watching random scenes from my past and present for fun?"

"I'm sorry, I can't say," said the spirit regretfully, beginning to fade. "But I think you'll have better luck with my brother!"

"Your brother?" Doofenshmirtz queried. "Like, another Ghost of Christmas Present? But I already talked to you, why do I need to see another one? That makes no sense! If we already did the past, and you're from the present, then shouldn't the next one be the-"

Just then, he looked up and saw that he was no longer at D.E.I., instead standing alone in a churchyard. Stranger yet, the ghost was gone- and in his place, a thick, gray fog was beginning to overtake the land.

"…the future…" Doofenshmirtz finished his sentence weakly, as the fog rolled in around him. Gradually, he was lost within it, and amidst its smoky depths, there appeared a figure…a figure who was easily the most terrifying of the lot.

A deep black hood and cloak obscured him entirely from view, except for two very large eyes that were just barely visible under the hood, and a nearly invisible lock of green hair. The eyes had a sort of quality that made them seem as if they were staring straight through you- or perhaps focusing on one tiny little spot somewhere on the bridge of your nose- and it was certainly creepy. But again, the most distinguishable feature about this ghost was its _size._

Doofenshmirtz, for a moment, was lost for words. But eventually, he spoke up. "Wow, it's like the attack of the midgets in here," he commented. "Why are you guys all so short?"

The ghost did not reply, only staring harder at him. Somewhat unnerved, Doofenshmirtz gulped and continued.

"So you're here to show me, what, the future?" he asked.

The ghost was silent.

"Does that mean yes?"

No reply.

"…You're not very talkative, huh?"

Absolute silence this time.

Slightly annoyed, Doofenshmirtz quirked an eyebrow. "Wow, you're even worse than Perry the Platypus. At least he makes little noises sometimes."

Again, the ghost gave no reply, except to blink underneath its dark hood. Now rather uncomfortable, Doofenshmirtz gathered his wits and spoke again.

"Okay, look," he told it, his voice trembling slightly, "You, to be honest, are freaking me out- and I still don't know what I'm supposed to be learning from this. So if you have something to show me, then can you show it to me fast?"

The spirit raised a hand and gave the thumbs up, accompanied by a small _ding_. It then pointed in a direction somewhere behind Doofenshmirtz. Eager to get it over with, the doctor turned around and was instantly greeted with a completely different scene- an office, bearing several portraits on the walls and a plant in the corner. The dominant feature of the room was the desk that sat at one end- and behind it was a very familiar, very unwelcome face.

"Roger!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed distastefully. "Why are we watching Roger? I don't care what he's doing."

But still the ghost continued to point at the man, who, now that Doofenshmirtz got a better look at him, looked much older. His hair was graying, although it was still perfectly combed, and he had a few well-concealed wrinkles. His eyes were locked on a computer screen in front of him. He frowned pensively at something on the screen, then called, "Melanie! Come see this."

Upon his summoning, Melanie the assistant came in, bored as usual. "What?"

"Have a look," Roger invited, allowing her room to see whatever he was looking at. She leaned in to see the screen, frowned, and patted his shoulder.

"Oh, sorry," she said, although she didn't sound sorry at all. "Yeah, that's terrible."

"Oh, don't worry about it," Roger assured her, his not-entirely-convincing grin returning instantly. "He was a pain at reunions anyway!"

And they both enjoyed a quick laugh, before returning to whatever work they had. Doofenshmirtz, as this happened, tried to get behind the desk and see what Roger was looking at- but by the time he got there, whatever it was had been replaced by a few emails that Roger was involved in reading. Doofenshmirtz returned to the ghost's side, now feeling rather annoyed.

"Wonder what he's happy about," he grumbled. "Probably some lame goody-two-shoes thing, or maybe one of his employees got fired. Don't you think?" He turned to the ghost, who seemed to shrug through the robe. He then pointed at something else, and when Doofenshmirtz turned to look, he saw another location- this time a beautiful, tropical island, with a white-sand beach and several gently swaying palm trees. The water lapping at the shore was cerulean blue and perfectly clear, and the sky above mirrored it exactly.

"Oh, wow," Doofenshmirtz commented appreciatively, admiring the scenery. "It's nice here! Like a vacation destination."

Just as he said this, he turned around and noticed several beach chairs and an umbrella laid out on the beach, along with a table that had some kind of smoothie standing on it. And resting peacefully on one of these chairs, wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and a relaxed smile, was the last person Doofenshmirtz expected to see- er, last _platypus _he expected to see.

"Perry the Platypus?" the doctor exclaimed, although Perry couldn't hear him at all. "Wait, what is he doing here? Did he finally get a day off or something?"

The ghost was silent. So was Perry, only making a tiny noise when he took a sip from the drink. Doofenshmirtz snorted. "Great, now I'm the only one here who's actually capable of speaking English."

Just then, there was a loud beeping noise, and Perry sighed. He lifted his wrist to face height and pulled back his fur to reveal his wrist communicator, then pressed a button to answer the call. Doofenshmirtz, interested and determined to see this time, dashed over to behind the chair and found a good vantage point. The ghost followed him silently, although he seemed to be observing Doofenshmirtz rather than the screen.

On the communicator screen, Major Monogram appeared. He looked older somehow, although his beard and mustache were as white as ever, and his face hadn't changed much otherwise. "Good morning, Agent P," he greeted cheerfully, smiling for once. "I just wanted to tell you that Carl and I are taking some time off, so we'll be seeing you soon. Isn't it nice, not having any evil to stop?"

Perry's face darkened just the tiniest bit at this (not that Doofenshmirtz could actually see it), and he nodded in a nearly half-hearted manner. Doofenshmirtz raised an eyebrow.

"What does he mean, not having any evil to stop?" he asked indignantly. "I'm still active in this future, aren't I? So Perry the Platypus should be back in Danville, thwarting me! I can't believe he has the nerve to get out of work while I'm probably standing around with some scheme, waiting for him to show up!"

Monogram spoke again, oblivious, of course, to the doctor's presence. "Well, Agent P, you already know your mission for today- relax, enjoy the beautiful weather, and have fun. Enjoy your vacation! Monogram out!" And with a cheerful wave goodbye, the screen went blank. Perry appeared rather troubled, but only for a moment- the next, he readjusted his sunglasses, leaned back, and sighed contentedly.

Doofenshmirtz scowled, quite offended. "I can't believe this! He's just completely forgotten about me!" Then he added heatedly, "Oooh, I really can't wait to give him that booby-trapped present."

A tiny, very nearly inaudible sigh came from under the ghost's hood, and he tapped Doofenshmirtz on the shoulder.

"What?" asked Doofenshmirtz sulkily, turning to face him. "I'm kind of busy plotting my nemesis' doom, if you haven't noticed- oh." For when he turned around, they had suddenly reappeared in the churchyard. "We're back."

The mood in the air was dark and mysterious, and the sky was black, as if it was terribly late at night. Doofenshmirtz pulled his lab coat a little tighter around himself, shivering in the chilling wind that had suddenly replaced the beach's warm sunlight.

"Wow, I forgot how cold it was out here," he mused, glancing around at the scenery. The church they stood by was a small one, partially shrouded in mist. Around it lay a vast graveyard, probably built up over the years. Like any graveyard at night, it would give you the creeps the moment you saw it.

Doofenshmirtz shivered again, but not from the cold this time. "Um…that's it, right? Can I go home now?"

The ghost shook its head. It raised its outstretched finger once more and pointed to the graveyard.

Doofenshmirtz glanced back and forth between the spirit and the graves in disbelief. "Oh, no, no, no. Nobody told me I had to go into a place like that at a time like this!"

The ghost looked almost bored now, but it continued to point. At length, Doofenshmirtz huffed angrily. "Fine! But I hope you know, I'm going to build some kind of Ghost-Revenge-Inator after this."

And with a slight shake in his step and a scowl on his face, he went inside tentatively, the ghost trailing after him like a shadow. After they had gone a short ways, the ghost stopped and pointed to the right, indicating a single grave.

Doofenshmirtz continued on for a moment, before realizing the ghost had stopped. "What?" he queried, raising an eyebrow. "We're going over there now?"

As usual, the ghost was silent. Doofenshmirtz sighed and sauntered over.

"Okay, what is it?" he asked, still completely lost.

The ghost continued to point at the grave obstinately. Doofenshmirtz stared at it for a moment, before concluding, "What? You want me to just die or something? Geez, how rude is that!"

The ghost looked outright annoyed now as it rolled its eyes and made a gesture as if flipping the pages of a book.

"Oh," said Doofenshmirtz in understanding. "Oh, you want me to read it. Well, that makes more sense. Why don't you just say these things?"

The ghost let out a stressed sigh, as if to say, "Just do it already."

Ignoring that, Doofenshmirtz knelt down cautiously on the frozen ground, feeling a strange sense of apprehension. Finally, with a last glance at the ghost, he examined the tombstone before him. There, etched into the rock, was the following inscription;

**HEINZ DOOFYSCHMITZ**

And underneath that, there was a small block of text which read;

**INSERT EPITAPH HERE.**

But despite even this, he _still _didn't get it. "What? Who's that?" Doofenshmirtz asked, still bewildered. "I don't know anybody called Doofyschmitz. I think I'd remember a name like that."

The ghost, who was clearly very exasperated by now, pointed at him. Doofenshmirtz gasped at this, rather shocked. Then, with an indignant expression, he muttered, "They spelled my name wrong! The nerve!"

Instantly, he looked up at the ghost, still seeming confused. "Wait, that doesn't make sense. I'm not dead, I'm right here!"

This time, the ghost face palmed and muttered in a deep, British-accented voice, "I give up."

"Give up? Give up what?" Doofenshmirtz asked. Then he gasped. "Oh! You finally spoke! What's with the accent? None of the rest of the ghosts had an accent. How come you do? And if you can speak, why didn't you the whole time?"

And with that, he was off on a very long tangent about speaking and how he just didn't understand why some people didn't like to. Behind him, the ghost snapped its fingers, and the scene changed once more. Doofenshmirtz stopped talking abruptly as he realized where they were.

They were back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, in his bedroom, and the other ghosts were back, too. Rodney- or Marley, or whatever- looked rather disapproving, and the other two seemed slightly disappointed. The third ghost quickly joined them, blank as ever.

"Hey, what's the big idea?" Rodney, as I will now call him, demanded. "You're not cooperating with us. Don't you know horrible things are in store for you if you don't change your ways?"

"What ways?" Doofenshmirtz retorted. "You mean being evil?"

"Well, yeah!" said Rodney. "Being evil, and mean, and spiteful, and hating Christmas-"

"Wait, wait!" Doofenshmirtz interrupted, holding up his hands to stall the argument. "Hating Christmas? I don't hate Christmas! Is _that _what this is about?"

At this, all four ghosts gained perfect expressions of surprise. At last, after a tense silence, Rodney spoke. "You…you don't hate Christmas?"

"No, no I don't," said Doofenshmirtz indignantly, crossing his arms with a stubborn frown. "Didn't anyone tell you? I have an intense, burning indifference towards it."

Total silence ruled.

At last, Rodney cleared his throat. "Well, fellas, looks like our work is done here."

"Did we even get the right guy?" the Ghost of Christmas Past queried.

"I say we go feast somewhere!" the Ghost of Christmas Present exclaimed merrily.

Then, in the middle of all this, the Ghost of Christmas Future spoke once more in his peculiar British accent. "What about my diet?"

"Aw, come on, bro. You're practically skeletal under that cloak!" the other laughed.

And with that, they all vanished in the blink of an eye, leaving nothing more than a faint smell of pine trees and peppermint. Doofenshmirtz simply stood there for a moment, staring at the space where they had been. Finally, he gasped.

"Heyyy, wait a minute," he said to himself. "I never cursed you guys!"

He cleared his throat and raised his fist, but just before he could shout the words, there was a sudden ringing noise and everything went white.

* * *

><p>"Wakey, wakey, sir!"<p>

The sound of Norm's cheerful mechanical voice jolted Doofenshmirtz awake, and he was suddenly aware of the obnoxiously loud beeping of his alarm clock, which was coming from somewhere to his left. Reaching out a hand, he searched blindly for a moment before touching said clock, and pushing its snooze button decidedly.

"Don't do that, Norm," he muttered drowsily.

"Sir, please don't go back to sleep," Norm entreated. "It's Christmas!"

At this, Doofenshmirtz immediately perked up. "It's what?"

"Christmas, sir!" said Norm gleefully (well, as gleeful as a robot could be, anyway).

Doofenshmirtz shot up into a sitting position, having fallen asleep at his desk while working on blueprints. "Y-you mean…it was a dream? I haven't missed Christmas or anything?"

"Yes, sir!" said Norm, his giant grin seeming even wider today. "Can we open presents now?"

But Doofenshmirtz was too amazed to think of presents. A large grin spread across his face, and he leapt up with a loud cheer. At last, the spirits were finally done torturing him, and he was free to go about his evil business!

But then, upon recalling just what that evil business was, he paused and glanced at the pile of papers littering his desk. Sitting at the top of the stack was a detailed plan that depicted exactly how he would give Perry his exploding present. He had planned every detail, securing his enemy's downfall for sure- but, after giving the paper a quick glance and a few thoughts, he frowned and crumpled it up. Not only was the scheme far too complicated, it seemed rude to try to kill Perry the Platypus on Christmas, of all days. Maybe he would give it to him on his birthday instead.

"Sure, Norm," he agreed, turning to the robot with a smile. "Let's go open presents."

"Yay!" Norm exclaimed, clapping his hands together with a loud _CLANG._ And with that, he marched off to the tree to begin unwrapping gifts.

Doofenshmirtz shrugged happily and began to follow him. "Just as long as we don't have scrambled eggs for breakfast."

"Of course, sir."

Norm was better than his word- they had pancakes for breakfast instead. Soon after breakfast, the doorbell rang, and it turned out to be Perry, who had brought presents for both Norm and Doofenshmirtz. Norm got a large pack of oil cans, which Perry was sure would come in handy (especially after their late night adventure to reclaim that videotape), and Doofenshmirtz received a book full of funny cat pictures (which, upon his opening it, even Perry laughed at). In turn, Doofenshmirtz retrieved a present for Perry that he had bought before he thought of the bomb- a soft, apple green scarf, which the secret agent donned immediately with a delighted chirp. Even Vanessa made an appearance, and was quite surprised and pleased to find that her father was willing to do whatever she wanted- even if that meant giving up evil for the afternoon.

The rest of the day passed in cheerful merrymaking, and the spirits didn't come back to bother Doofenshmirtz any more than they already had (it seemed they really had given up). The evil scientist even resisted the impulse to curse Perry, who flashed him a quick smile before leaving to spend the remainder of the day with his family. He had never felt quite so happy at Christmastime than he did then (although he still felt rather ambiguous towards it, since the spirits had pretty much driven him nuts), and even when it was over, Doofenshmirtz was sure the spirit would stay with them all for a long time.

And so, as Norm observed at dinnertime, "God bless us, every one!"

* * *

><p><em>One Christmas later…<em>

Doofenshmirtz was still tied up in the Christmas lights that Perry had wrapped him in, partridge and all. But he didn't mind- he was too busy celebrating his newly acquired hatred for Christmas.

"I learned to hate Christmas! I learned to hate Christmas!" he sang gleefully, wearing a smile of pure evil joy. But just then, in the midst of his mirth, there was a small puff of smoke, and Rodney's ghost appeared beside him, looking quite disapproving.

Doofenshmirtz scowled. "Oh, _COME ON!_"

**THE END**

* * *

><p>XD That was so much fun for me. Again, apologies for it being <em>way <em>late, and I hope you enjoyed it!  
>Have a very Perry Christmas, everybody! ^-^<p> 


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